BOOK“. The story so far.
In the beginning, the universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Many races believe that it was created by some sort of god,
though the jatravartid people of Viltvodle VI firmly believe
that the entire universe was in fact
sneezed out of the nose of a being called the Great Green Arkleseizure.
The jatravartids, who live in perpetual fear
of the time they call the Coming of the Great White Handkerchief,
are small blue creatures with more than 50 arms each,
who are therefore unique in being the only race in history
to have invented the aerosol deodorant before the wheel.
However, the Great Green Arkleseizure theory
was not widely accepted outside Viltvodle VI,
and so one day, a race of hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings
built themselves a gigantic supercomputer called Deep Thought
to calculate once and for all
the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe and Everything.
For 7.5 million years, Deep Thought computed and eventually announced
that the answer was in fact 42.
And so another, even bigger, computer had to be built
to find out what the actual question was.
And this computer, which was called the Earth,
was so large that it was frequently mistaken for a planet,
particularly by the strange, ape-like beings who roamed its surface,
totally unaware that they were simply part of a gigantic computer program.
And this is very odd, because without that
fairly simple and obvious piece of knowledge,
nothing that ever happened on Earth
could possibly make the slightest bit of sense.
However, at the critical moment of read-out,
the Earth was unexpectedly demolished to make way for a new hyperspace bypass,
and the only native Earth people to survive the demolition
are now being shot at behind a computer bank
on the lost planet of Magrathea,
along with their strange companions from Betelgeuse,
who are currently singing a Betelgeuse death anthem
on the very sensible ground that they are about to die.
This is what the computer bank is about to do.
And the time at which it is going to do it is 4.2 seconds from now.
Good evening, madam, gentlemen.
Do you have a reservation?
- Reservation? - Yes, sir.
Do you need a reservation for the afterlife?
The afterlife?
- Is this the afterlife? - Yeah.
I mean, yeah! I mean, yeah.
Well, I think so. I mean...
There's no way we could've survived that blast in there.
- No. - None at all.
I certainly didn't survive. I was a total goner.
Wham-bam! And that was it!
Yeah, we didn't stand a chance. We must have been blown to bits.
- There was arms and legs everywhere! - Would the lady and gentlemen
- care to order drinks? - Bowels splattered.
Instantaneously zonked into our component molecules.
Zaphod, did you get that thing with your whole life flashing before you?
Yeah.
Did you get that too?
- Your whole life! - Yeah.
At least I assume it was mine. I spent a lot of time out of my skulls.
- So... - So what?
So here we are, lying dead...
- Standing. - Standing dead in this desolate...
- Restaurant - Standing dead in this desolate...
five-star restaurant.
Yeah.
Odd, innit?
Nice decor, though.
You know it's not so much an afterlife, more sort of apres-Vie.
Hey! Hang about, dead guys, we're missing an ultra-important thing here.
Something somebody said. And we missed it.
- I said It was more sort of opus-vie. - Ford...
I said it was odd.
Shrewd, but dull.
- Trillian. - Er... Er...
Er... Pass.
Perhaps you would care to discuss the matter over drinks.
Drinks! That was it!
You see what you miss if you don't stay alert?
Indeed.
If the lady and gentlemen would like to order drinks before dinner...
Yeah, great'.!
And the universe will explode later for your pleasure.
Wow! What sort of drinks do you serve in this place?
Uh, I think perhaps sir has misunderstood me.
Wow! I hope not.
It is not unusual for our customers
to be a little disorientated by the time journey, so if I might suggest...
- Time journey? - What time journey?
You mean... This isn't the afterlife?
Afterlife? No, sir.
- 0h! - So were not... bad?
Aha!
Sir is most evidently alive, otherwise I would not attempt to serve sir.
Ha-ha! Then where the photon are we?
Hey, I've sussed it!
This must be...
Milliways!
Yes, this is Milliways.
Mi lliways?
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
- The end of what? - The Universe.
- When did that end? - In just a few minutes, sir.
Now, if you will order drinks,
I will show you to your table in the main part of the restaurant.
I suppose there's no chance of a cup of tea?
None.
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
is one of the most extraordinary ventures
in the entire history of catering.
A vast time bubble has been projected into the far future
to the precise moment of the End of the Universe.
You can arrive from any city you like without prior reservation
because you can book retrospectively in advance, as it were,
when you return to your own time.
You can visit it as many times as you like
and be sure of never meeting yourself,
because of the embarrassment this usually causes.
All you do is deposit one penny in a savings account in your own era
and when you arrive at the end of time, the operation of compound interest means
that the fabulous cost of your meal has been paid for.
This is all, of course, impossible,
which is why the advertising executives of the star system of Bastablon
came up with this slogan...
This way, please.
Woweez!
Incredible! The people! The things!
The things are also people.
The people, the also people.
- The lights! - The food!
The clothes!
Yeah, the clothes, yeah.
Yeah. The End of the Universe is very popular.
People like to dress up. It gives it a sense of occasion.
Hey, everybody's here!
You know, everybody who was anybody.
- Hi, guys, how did you do? - Hi, there!
Hey, Zaphod, there's an old mate of mine. Look, see, see.
It's Hotblack Desiato.
- See? The big guy in the platinum suit. - Oh, yeah.
Wow! Did he ever make it mega big! Wow! Bigger than the biggest thing ever!
- Other than me. - Who is he?
Hotblack Desiato? You never heard of Disaster Area?
- No. - No.
- The biggest, loudest... - The richest...
rock band in the history of...
History itself!
- Yeah!
Here we are at the End of the Universe and you haven't lived yet!
Did you miss out!
Hey, waiter. Bring me volume three of the wine list.
Hey, Hotblack! How're you doing?
It's great to see you, big boy. How's the noise?
You are looking great!
Really, very, very fat and unwell. Amazing!
Remember the old days? Wow! We used to hang out!
The Bistro Illegal, remember?
The Evild rome Booza ra ma,
Slim's Throat Emporium.
Great days, eh?
When we were hungry, we used to pose as health inspectors,
and go around confiscating meals and drinks, and get food poisoning?
You used to be up all night trying to write songs and we all hated them.
And you said you didn't care.
We said we did, because we hated them so much.
And you didn't want to be a star, because you despised the star system,
but we said we didn't think you had the option.
And what do you do now?
You buy star systems!
Here is a guy who buys star systems!
What's that number you do, that really huge one? How does it go?
Dah, dah, dah something.
The stage act ends with a ship crashing right into the sun.
Oh, and you actually do it! I mean, ship, sun, bang!
I mean, forget lasers! You guys are into solar flares,
and real sunburn and terrible songs. Yeah!
Let's have a drink. Yeah!
Hotblack?
- Kid. - Yea h?
Beat it!
Who are you?
I'm the guy that's telling you to beat it before it gets beaten for you.
Now, listen...
I am one of Hotblack's oldest friends and I...
And I am Mr Desiato's bodyguard and I'm responsible for his body
and I'm not responsible for yours,
so take it away before it gets damaged.
Now, wait a minute...
No minutes, no waiting.
Mr Desiato speaks to no-one.
Perhaps you'd better let him speak for himself.
- He speaks to no-one. - Oh.
Why? What's the matter with him?
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy notes that Disaster Area...
Well, hi there, Ford. Did you talk to your big noise friend?
Uh, Hot... Uh...
Hotblack? Yeah, I, er... I sort of spoke to him, yeah.
«loll, what did he say? - Uh...
«loll, not a lot. He's, um... - Yeah?
Spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Oh, yeah? Neat!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, the universe as we know it
has been in existence for 170,000 million billion years
and will be ending in a little over 10 minutes time.
So welcome one and all to Milliways,
the Restaurant at the End of the Universe!
I am your host for this evening, Max Quordlepleen,
and I have come straight from the very, very other end of time
Where I've been hosting a show at the Big Bang Burger Bar;
where we had a very exciting evening, ladies and gentlemen.
And I 'll be with you right through this tremendous, historic occasion,
the end of history itself!
So, now, ladies and gentlemen,
take your places at table.
The candles are lit, the band is playing
and as the force-shielded dome above us slides apart,
revealing a dark and sullen sky,
hung with the ancient light of livid, swollen stars,
I can see that we are in for a fabulous evening's apocalypse!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be back again in a moment.
Would you all like to see the menu,
or would you care to meet the dish of the day?
- Meet? - What is it?
It's an Amiglian Major cow.
I'll bring him over.
Okay, we'll meet the meat, that's cool!
Baa-aaa! Hrrmmph!
Good evening, madam and gentlemen.
I am the main dish of the day.
May I interest you in parts of my body?
- Huh? - Huh?
- Oh, welL - Somethlng off my shoulder, perhaps,
braised in a little white wine sauce.
- Your shoulder? - Naturally, mine, sir.
Nobody else's is mine to offer.
The rump is very good, sir.
I have been exercising and eating plenty of grain,
so there's a lot of good meat there. Mmm...
Or a casserole of me, perhaps.
You mean, this animal actually wants us to eat it?
I don't mean anything.
I think it's horrible, it's the most revolting thing I've ever heard!
Hey, what's the problem, Earthman?
I don't want to eat an animal that's lying there inviting me to.
I think it's heartless!
It's better than eating an animal that doesn't want to be eaten.
- That's not the point. - Baa!
Well, maybe it is the point.
I don't care. I don't want to talk about it. I'll have a green salad.
May I urge you, sir, to consider my liver?
It must be very rich and tender by now.
I have been force-feeding myself for months.
- Mmm... - Green salad, please.
A green salad?
Is there any reason why I shouldn't have a green salad?
I know many vegetables that are very clear on that point, sir,
which is why it was decided to cut through the whole tangled problem
by breeding an animal that actually wanted to be eaten,
and was capable of saying so clearly and distinctly.
And here I am. Baa!
A glass of water?
Hey, listen, we wanna eat, we don't want to make a meal of the issues.
We'll have four rare steaks, and hurry, please.
Very wise choice, sir. Very good.
I'lljust nip off and shoot myself.
- Oh, God! - Don't worry, sir.
I'll be very humane.
What's eating you, Earthman?
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Is everybody having one last wonderful time?
Good.
And now, as the photon storms gather in swirling clouds around us,
preparing to tear apart the last of the red hot suns,
I hope you will all settle back and enjoy with me
what I know you will find a tremendously exciting and terminal experience.
Believe me, ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing penultimate about this one.
This one, ladies and gentlemen, is the proverbial ”it”.
After this, there is void,
emptiness, oblivion,
absolute
nothing.
Ooh...
Except, of course, for the sweet trolley
and our fine selection of all the brand liqueurs.
And for once, ladies and gentlemen,
there is no need to worry about having a hangover in the morning,
for there won't be no more mornings.
And now, at the risk of putting a damper
on this wonderful atmosphere of doom and futility here,
I 'd like to welcome a few parties.
Now, do we have a party from the Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club
from beyond the Val-[void of Ovarne?
Are they here?
Last bids now, lads.
And no cheating. This is a very solemn moment.
And a party of minor deities from the Halls of Asgard.
And a party of Young Conservatives from Sirius B.
This is all your fault.
Lastly, a party of devout believers
from the Church of the Second Coming of the Great Prophet Zarquon.
Still waiting for the Second Coming.
Well, fellas, let's hope he hurries. He's got eight minutes left.
No, but seriously, no offence meant.
I know one shouldn't make fun of deeply held beliefs.
So I think a great big hand for the great prophet Zarquon.
Wherever he's got to!
Now it's marvellous to see so many of you here tonight because...
No, isn't it, though?
Because I know so many of you came time and time again
to watch this final end of everything, which I think is really wonderful,
and then to return home to your own eras,
and raise families, and strive for new and better societies,
and fight terrible wars for what you know is right.
It gives one real hope for the whole future of lifekind.
Except, of course, we know it hasn't got one.
Excuse me, sir.
- Who, me? - Mr Zaphod Beeblebrox?
- Er... Yeah. - There Is a phone call for you, sir.
- Hey, what? - Here?
But who knows where I am?
Zaphod, maybe it's the Galactic Police. Could they have traced you here?
You mean, they wanna arrest me over the phone?
Could be, I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered.
Yeah.
You go to pieces so fast, people get hit by shrapnel.
Hey, what is this? Judgement day?
Do we get to see that as well? Terrific.
I'm in no hurry. So who's the cat on the phone? Pass the wine, Ford.
I'm not personally acquainted with the metal gentleman in question, sir.
- Metal? - But I am informed that
he's been awaiting your return for a considerable number of millennia.
It seems that you left here somewhat precipitately.
Hey, left here? We've onlyjust arrived!
Indeed, sir. But before you arrived here, you left.
You're saying that before we arrived here, we left here?
That is what I said, sir.
Put your analyst on danger money, baby, now.
Wait a minute, where exactly is here?
The planet Magrathea, sir.
Ah, but we just left there.
We're at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, I thought.
Precisely, sir.
The one was constructed on the ruins of the other.
Ah, I see! 50 you mean, we've traveled in time, but not in space.
Listen, you semi-evolved simian, go climb a tree, will you?
Go bang your heads together, four eyes!
No, no, your monkey has got it right.
You've jumped forward many millions of years in time,
whilst retaining the same position in space.
Your friend has been awaiting you in the meantime.
Marvin! It must be Marvin!
- The paranoid android! - Space cookies!
- Hand me the rap-rod, Plate Captain. - I beg your pardon, sir?
The phone, waiter! Gee, you guys are so unhip,
- it's a wonder your bums don't fall off! - The phone, sir.
Hi, there, Marvin kid. How're you doing?
I think you ought to know I 'm feeling very depressed.
Oh yeah? We're having a great time.
You know, wine, food, a little personal abuse
and the universe going phoom! Where can we find you, Marvin?
You don't have to pretend to be interested in me, you know?
I know perfectly well I'm only a menial robot.
Yeah, yeah, but where are you?
"Reverse primary thrust, Marvin," that's what they say to me,
"Open airlock number three, Marvin."
”Marvin, can you pick up that piece of paper? ”
Here I am, brain the size of a planet,
and they ask me to pick up a piece of paper!
- Yeah, Marvin... - But I 'm quite used to being humiliated.
I can even go and stick my head in a bucket of water, if you like,
I mean, if that's what you really want.
Would you like me to stick my head in a bucket of water?
Marvin, yeah, um...
What's he saying, Zaphod?
Nothing. Hejust phoned up to wash his head at us.
Marvin, will you please tell us where you are?
- I'm in the car park. - What are you doing in the car park?
Parking cars. What else does one do in a car park?
Well, yeah, okay. Stay there, I'll be down in a minute.
- That makes two of us. - Come on, you guys, let's go.
Marvin's down in the car park.
The car park? What's he doing there?
He's parking cars. What else, dumb-dumb? Come on, let's go.
Now, an interesting effect to watch for
is in the upper left-hand quadrant of the sky,
where you can clearly see the star system of Hastromil
boiling away into the ultra-violet.
Anyone here from Hastromil?
Well, it's too late to worry whether you left the gas on at home now.
There he is! Marvin!
Hey, Marvin, kid, are we pleased to see you!
- No, you 're not. No-one ever is. - Suit yourself.
- No, Marvin, really, we are! Quite.
Hanging around, waiting for us all this time.
The first 10 million years were the worst.
Then the second 10 million, they were the worst too.
The third 10 million, I didn't enjoy at all.
After that, I went into a bit of a decline.
Poor old Marvin!
It's the people you meet in this job who really get you down.
The best conversation I had was over 34 million years ago.
Oh, dear!
And that was with a coffee machine.
Hey, Zaph, look at this baby!
A tangerine star buggy with black sunbusters.
Hey, get this number!
Multi-cluster quark drive with perspulex running boards.
This has got to be a Lazlar Lyricon custom job.
Hey, I was passed by one these mothers, out by the Axel Nebula.
I was going flat-out and this thing just strolled past me,
the star drive hardly ticked over.
- It was incredible! - Too much!
Yeah, 10 seconds later, it smashed right into the third moon ofJaglan Beta.
- Right? - But a great-looking ship, though!
Looks like a fish, moves like a fish, steers like a cow.
Hey! That really is bad for the eyes!
It's so black, you can hardly make out its shape. Lightjust falls into it.
- Hey! Feel the surface! - Yeah!
- Hey, you can't! - It's just totally frictionless.
This must be one mother of a mover.
What do you reckon?
You reckon we should just stroll off with it?
You think we should?
- No. - Neither do I.
- Let's do it. - Okay.
You better shift soon. In a few seconds, the universe will end,
all those Captain Creeps will come pouring down here
to find their bourge-mobiles.
- Hey, Zaph! - Yeah?
How do you get into it?
Just don't spoil a beautiful idea, will you, Ford?
Maybe the robot can figure something out.
Yeah. Hey, Marvin! Come on over. We've got a job for you.
- I won't enjoy it. - Yes, you will.
There's a whole new life stretching out in front of you.
- Not another one! - Marvin, will you shut up and listen.
This time, there's going to be excitement and adventure
and really wild things.
- 50una's awful. - But, Marvin! All I'm trying to say...
I suppose you want me to help you to get into this spaceship.
- Marvin, will you just listen? - Ana' open the door for you.
What?
Er, yeah.
Well, I wish you'd just tell me, rather than try to engage my enthusiasm,
because I haven't got one.
A bra ca -diodular-servo -systems.
- How do you do that, Marvin? - Dia'n'tl tell you I 'Ve got a brain
- the size of a planet? - 0 h, yeah.
Hey, Zaph, come and have a look at this.
Hey! Weird!
It's so black.
Everything in it is just totally black.
Well, this is very pretty, I must say.
Yeah, I like a change of scene.
Hey! This is one ace, wonderful ship, eh, Ford?
Yeah.
Pity it doesn't seem to work, isn't it?
- Ah, welL - Hey, where are you going?
To find one that does work. A ship with a single red button would suit me.
Hey, listen, Ford, this is the most stylish heap I've ever been in, right.
We are gonna stay and make it work, okay?
- You make it work. - I can make any ship work.
You hear that, ship?
Hey, I did it!
- Okay, guys, we're on our way! - Where?
Who cares where? We just go!
Yeah!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.
The skies begin to tremble,
nature collapses into the screaming void.
In 15 seconds' time, the universe itself will be at an end.
See where the light of infinity bursts in upon us!
What's this? What's happening?
Who's this? I don't believe it!
Ladies and gentlemen, big hand, please,
for the great prophet Zarquon!
Hello, everybody. Sorry I 'm a bit late. I had a terrible time.
All sorts of things cropping up at the last moment.
How are we for time?
One of the major selling points
of that wholly remarkable book, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,
apart from its relative cheapness
and the fact that it has the words, "Don't Panic"
written in large friendly letters on the cover,
is its compendious and occasionally accurate glossary.
Its simplistic style is partly explained by the fact that its editor,
having to meet a publishing deadline,
copied the information off the back of a packet of breakfast cereal,
hastily embroidering it with a few footnotes in order to avoid prosecution
under the incomprehensibly torturous Galactic copyright laws.
It is interesting to note that a later and wilier editor
sent the book backwards in time through a temporal warp,
and then successfully sued the breakfast cereal company
for infringement of the same laws.
Here's a sample, in both headings and footnotes...
Basically, what you're trying to tell me is the ship is out of control.
It's the weird colour scheme that freaks me.
Every time you try to operate one of these weird black controls
that's labelled in black on a black background,
a small black light lights up black to let you know you've done it.
Hey, what is this? Some kind of a galactic hyperhearse?
Maybe it was designed by somebody
with eyes that respond to different wavelengths.
Or didn't have much imagination.
Perhaps he was feeling very depressed.
It's beginning to make me feel space-sick.
Time-sick. We're going backwards through time.
Now I think I really am going to be ill.
Go ahead. We could do with a little colour about the place.
Oh, that's better. Have you managed to make sense of the controls?
No. We just stopped fiddling with them.
Okay, Hotblack, the black ship's ready to crash into the sun.
Time to get there ourselves.